I have been contemplating this post for a while now.
It has been quite some time since I have given a update on our embryo adoption journey, and so I wanted to give a update and share what has been going on in our lives for the past couple months.
We implanted 2 embryos back in December and I miscarried a couple weeks later. It was hard. God is Faithful.
We adopted 6 precious embryos back in November of 2015 (see prior posts or talk to me for more info on this process). Around that time I started taking hormones to prepare my body for the embryos. Essentially, the goal was to get my body to think it was pregnant before I actually was.
To start the process…I was on a variety of hormones for about 6 weeks: everything from pills, to big shots, to little shots, to transdermal patches. I had a variety of symptoms from the hormones: nausea, rashes, fatigue. During this time, my doctor was watching me very closely. I went in several times for lab work and ultrasounds.
At the end of these 6 weeks, the fertility clinic where our embryos are kept thawed 4 out of our 6 embryos. We chose to thaw 4 because of the way that the embryos were frozen together. Our doctor really wanted us to thaw all 6 at once, and then just re-freeze some of them if we needed to. We felt as though it would not be wise to thaw more embryos than we needed to at a time because some research says that re-freezing the embryos decreases their viability (this is what our adoption agency believes). We really had to think and pray a lot about this decision though!
After they thaw the embryos, they watched them for 24 hours to make sure that they “woke up” (the cells are alive). If there is any sign of life at all, the embryos are considered to have “woken up”. At this point, we were informed that 2 of the 4 embryos had “woken up,” and two had died during the freezing process. This was obviously hard, but we were thankful that 2 of them were still doing well!
My husband was kind to remind me of Psalm 139:16 during this time…
“Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.”
How comforting it is to realize that God knew/knows our embryos!
The next day we went into the fertility clinic for the implant. I changed into a gown/hat and everything, just like a real procedure! However, it was nice because I could eat and drink the morning of the implant. In fact, they WANTED me to drink a whole bottle of water when I got to the clinic because it is helpful to have a full bladder for the procedure. Joshua got to go in with me for the procedure, which was such a blessing! I was very thankful to have him by my side holding my hand. The procedure itself was relatively painless (besides having a full bladder, haha). Everyone was all garbed up in surgical attire & I just had to stay REALLY still. The procedure itself took a whole 6 minutes.
After the procedure, they wheeled me back into my hospital room, and I had to lay flat for 30 minutes. There were so many emotions going on in my head at this point! It was crazy to lay there and realize that I now had 2 little lives growing inside me. Before the implant, when they had looked at the little embryos under the microscope, the embryologist told us that the embryos were growing at a “normal, or slightly below normal” rate. Our doctor was hopeful that at least one of the embryos would go on to produce a viable pregnancy. We were praying that both would!
After laying flat for those 30 minutes, they sent me home on bedrest for the next 24 hours. Joshua stopped to get me Chick-Fil-A on the way home, which made everything better.
The next 2 weeks I was restricted to “limited activity” (I wasn’t supposed to lift anything heavier than 15lbs, and I couldn’t work out at all). During this time I continued the hefty hormone regimen that I had been on.
I began to feel more and more pregnant. I woke up many mornings feeling sick/nauesous. We considered this to be a good sign, but it was hard to know if I was sick from the hormones, or because I was pregnant.
At the end of the 2 weeks, we went in for a pregnancy test. They drew my blood, and then sent me home! The nurse wished me luck, and said they would call me later with the results.
That was a tough day… It was hard to wait! But I kept telling myself that whatever the result of the pregnancy test, we served a faithful, trustworthy, and sovereign God.
The nurse called around 4pm to let me know that the test was negative. I was not pregnant.
Honest moment here: the news hit me a lot harder than I thought it would… I was very sad. I just cried for a long time. I still knew the reality that I served a God who is always Faithful, but it was still sad.
I knew that there was a very real possibility of this process NOT ending in a viable pregnancy. But knowing that fact in my head did not really prepare me for all of the emotions and heartache. It was just a very sad time. I had FELT pregnant, and I knew that the embryos were there. So, even though they were so very small…it was still very much a loss. A loss of a dream, a loss of life!
So much comfort was found during this time from Gods Word.
As I mentioned above, Psalm 139 was SO helpful. Realizing that God knew our embryos and that they were now with Him in heaven was such a comforting truth.
I also love Psalm 62:1-2
“My soul waits in silence for God only; from Him is my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken.”
I would lay in bed at night sometimes after the miscarriage and just mediate on the truth of this verse…God is my Rock. My Stronghold. I find rest & comfort & peace in Him. Even when my world is “shaken” with sad news and does not go the way I plan I can find my rest and hope in my Faithful God.
I STILL think about these truths often and they give me hope on days when its a little darker.
God has been so kind to really provide a lot of healing for my grieving heart through His Word and through sweet, godly friends and family that has been there to grieve with us, remind us of God’s truth, and love on us.
Over these past couple mounts, I have really had to come to grips with the fact that I may never have children of my own in this life. Obviously, this is something that I would desire – strive towards – hope for. I am not by any means giving up! However, this is not a promise that God has given to me. And if God never blesses me with children, He is STILL Good. STILL Faithful. STILL Sovereign. And I will be okay.
The Lord has been very kind to heal my heart much quicker than I could have imagined. I do still have hard days…it is not always easy (I still have teary days sometimes!) But I am confident of the fact that God is good.
I share all this information with you, not to make you feel sorry for me, but rather in hopes that this story will point to my Faithful God and bring Him glory!
If infertility is something that you struggle with/have struggled with at any point I hope this proves to be an encouragement to you!
Please feel free to ask me anything!
What does the future look like for us, you may ask?
Well… 🙂 We do plan to have me start on hormones again in the next couple of months. Joshua and I are both kinda just ready to know if the next implant will work or not (obviously we are praying to that extent!) & to be able to move forward with our lives in one way or the other.
We would love your prayers for our hearts and for our 2 embryos that are left!
Thanks for letting me share a little bit of my heart & my journey…